Alison McKee, Partner and Head of our Family Law team, says smooth, clear arrangements may be more important than ever for youngsters this year after coronavirus restrictions put paid to many celebrations over the last festive season.
Our family law team is dealing with queries from some parents about how best to handle the challenges that Christmas can bring - prompting a call for them to ensure the best interests of children are put first.
Alison said: “The holidays tend to put extra pressure on all families, even more so when the parents don’t live together. Children can be stuck in the middle of arguments between mum and dad, making what should be a happy time, completely miserable.
“Good planning is crucial to a happy festive period. Making those arrangements now, rather than leaving them to the last-minute, could ease any anxieties children may secretly have about pleasing both of their parents. That’s especially true this year after they possibly missed being around both sides of their family last Christmas as people tried to keep each other safe from Covid-19.
“Speaking plainly, parents need to take a grown-up approach. Putting fair and sensible arrangements in place is all about avoiding a situation whereby any potential negative developments impact on the children. Parents instinctively want to avoid that, but just don’t always see these issues meriting extra dialogue and planning.”
Christmas can often mean that contact arrangements which can be managed for the rest of the year risk being thrown into flux by holidays, parties and visiting relatives on both sides of the family.
Here are five key tips to help reduce the stresses the festive period can cause:
- Act now. Start to discuss your Christmas plans with your ex as early as you can to avoid last-minute disagreements when there may not be time to get arrangements in place. It’s also worth taking into consideration family traditions and be prepared to compromise around your priorities as individuals, and as a family, to ensure mutual agreement.
- Look at the practicalities. Consider whether it’s logistically possible for your children to split Christmas Day between you both. Is it too difficult from a travelling perspective? Assess travel times and costs, and the energy you and your children are likely to need to carry out your plans. It is also worth considering an alternative plan in case of bad weather and hazardous travelling conditions: how will you agree on whether or not travel is safe, what happens in the case of cancelled trains or closed airports, what alternative arrangements can be planned if bad weather makes contact impossible - or Covid-19 restrictions change?
- Ask the children. It’s important to think about how the children feel about how they spend their time at Christmas. Is splitting the day itself important to them, or would they prefer to spend blocks of the holiday season with each of you? They may prefer to have the full day with each of you in alternate years. Often the date 25th December is far more important to adults than it is to children who are delighted to have two Christmas Days, one with each parent, irrespective of the actual date on which that day falls. It is important to give consideration to whether splitting Christmas Day will work for your child and, if so, how that split will work. After all, is it fair to expect children to eat two Christmas dinners, one after the other, when it isn’t something that you would expect an adult to do? The children may even be the key to deciding arrangements. You could also consider putting differences aside and instead prioritise what the children want to do at this time of year.
- Consider spending it together. If you still get along well enough, you could think about both parents being present when the children open their presents. Children who keep in touch with both parents tend to adjust better to separation than those who don’t. If you are able to amicably share even part of the day it is a great example to set your children. Another good idea to avoid disputes is to discuss a budget and possible presents for the children with the other parent in advance.
- Think about the bigger picture. Agreeing how your children are going to be looked after and brought up, how they are going to spend their time and maintain healthy relationships with both of you is the most important thing that you can do for your children if you separate.
Alison added: “The key to avoiding any tense or challenging situations - even ending up in a courtroom - is starting the communication early. If parents are able to talk about these issues in advance, it can help lessen the heat and emotion associated with spending time with your children at this time of year.
“No-one can afford to lose sight of the fact that the welfare and wellbeing of your children at what should be one of the happiest times of the year for them is the most important thing. Everyone knowing where they stand can - physically and emotionally - can make a massive difference.
“If parents are struggling to reach agreement there are, of course, formal mediation and legal steps which can be taken, but these may be avoidable by starting the conversation now.”
Case study: Michelle’s story
Michelle* is a mum of two young children who lives in the Greater Glasgow area.
I love Christmas. All I want is to spend every minute of my favourite time of year with my children, especially while they’re still at an age when they still embrace the real magic of the festive season.
When I separated - and then divorced - from their father, I automatically assumed that they would spend every Christmas with me. Before our separation, it was me who organised all of the presents and did the planning. Their dad never seemed bothered. And I’ve remained in what was our family home.
We’ve been separated for a few years now. Neither of us had ‘anyone else’, but had simply grown apart. The first Christmas, things happened as I expected they would. The children spent the holidays with me. Their dad visited on Christmas Eve and Facetimed them on Christmas Day. The way things fell, our contact arrangements agreed through our lawyers, worked as normal.
Things were different the second year, though. My, by-now ex-husband, was settled in his new home. He wanted the children to spend Christmas Day with him. My immediate response was ‘no’. It was quite upsetting. While we tried not to involve the children, they realised what was going on. I don’t think they wanted to upset either of us.
We each ended up speaking to our lawyers. My lawyer at Lindsays was absolutely straight with me about the need to put the feelings of our children first. And, as difficult as it was, we each soon realised that compromise was key. I realised that it wasn’t fair on the children for me to expect that they would spend every Christmas with me - and, if I continued to insist on that, the children would be stuck in the middle, having to choose between their parents, every year. We know the children want to see each of us, especially on Christmas Day.
Last year, we agreed that they would wake up here on Christmas morning and go to their dad’s for lunch, spend the night with him and they’ll come back to me on Boxing Day. This year, they’re going to be here with me. Their dad’s going to come around in the morning and they’re going to go to him on Boxing Day and spend a couple of days with him, seeing some of his other family.
We’ve spoken to the children and they seem happy. The last thing we wanted was for them to be upset. It’s actually a relief to have agreed our arrangements early. It’s made a difference.
*Based on real events. Michelle’s name has been changed so as not to identify her former partner or children.